Deep inside, I sense a portion of me that feels guilty because I am allowing myself to feel calm and joyful.
“You should be working. You should be trying,” says the voice of guilt.
“Trying to do what?” I ask from my calm and peaceful self.
“I don’t know,” it replies. “But, just being calm and joyful—why, it’s a waste of time. What are you accomplishing?”
“I am accomplishing what I always thought I would achieve after a long hard struggle—JOY! It was fatigue and disillusionment that greeted me after ‘hard work.”
“So I guess you think you can just sit around and be blissful,” retorts the voice. “Are you just giving up?”
“Giving up what?” my peaceful self replies. “All I am giving up is fatigue, hard work, struggle and disillusionment. Yes, I would very much love to give up all of those torments.”
“But what about your life, your service, your mission. Aren’t you going to give anything to humankind?”
“Humankind already has struggle and disillusionment. If I can find peace and joy, then maybe I can share that. Of course, I’m not sure if I can share peace and joy. It may be that everyone has to find that for themselves. However, if I can BE peaceful and BE joyful, then maybe I can be an inspiration to others.”
“Be an inspiration,” snorts the voice that is now obviously angry. “Who do you think you are? It sounds like you are pretty full of yourself.”
Almost instantly, fear surrounds my peace and joy like an impending storm. As my peace begins to fade, I feel myself struggling to retrieve it. My mood becomes dark and clouds of doubt enter my mind. I can feel the joy slipping away like the last rays of light after the sun has set.
“Who do I think I am?” The question echoes in my mind.
I feel my heart closing and confusion blocking my mind. My stomach clutches against an unknown fear. The ultimate enemy has struck – the enemy within!
I take slow, deep breaths and try to regain a state of calm, but the effort of breathing becomes work, and frustration builds as I sink into a dark hole.
“NO!” I cry out loud. “I won’t go back. I won’t return to doubt and fear.”
Determination builds within my core.
Who do I think I am? Who do I think I am? Why does that question cause me such disturbance?
“Because it is not your question,” answers another voice within.
This voice holds the feeling of love. It is sweet and familiar like the sun breaking through the dark forest. Rays of light shaft through my fear and enter my heart. I breathe in the voice, grateful for its assistance. As my gratitude grows, I am able to accept the unconditional love that vibrates from this sweet and simple voice.
Yes, I realize now that “Who do I think I am?” is not MY question. It is a question asked from outside myself, a question asked by those who would judge, those who would criticize.
“My one,” sooths voice of Love, “who DO you think you are?”
“I am you!” I respond in a calm and peaceful voice.
“I forgot. But now I remember.”