A Personal Experience
Of the Rising Kundalini
Opening of the Heart chakra
TIME FRAME 1985-1988
The opening of the chakra just above it usually precedes the final initiation of a chakra. Therefore, my final initiation for the third chakra was in 1986, but the opening of the fourth chakra first began in 1985 with the death of my beloved grandmother. In fact, both of my grandmothers died that year. As I was claiming my power, the “grandmother generation” died. This pushed my mother into the “grandmother” role and me firmly into her role as “mother”. The baton was passed on to the next generation and my power within the family unit increased. Even though I had been a mother for quite some time, now it was time to be a mentor. (See Maiden, Mother, and Mentor behind the Behavior Door in the Conscious Section.)
The fourth, heart chakra represents our love relationships on a horizontal plane with persons, places, and all life forms as well as our love relationship (or lack of it) with ourselves. The high heart represents our unconditional love on a vertical plane with our higher dimensional guides and higher dimensional selves. The high heart does not totally open until after Kundalini has traveled into the Crown Chakra to join with Her completion. However, grounding of unconditional love into our third dimensional heart greatly expands our consciousness and heals our “broken hearts”. I will talk about the opening of my lower heart here and talk about the experience of opening my high heart later.
In 1985 I was still receiving spiritual communications from Long Island. Several of the Ascended Masters who channeled through the Long Island “church” offered a gift to their readers to come into the fourth dimension each night for one month (the harvest month of October) to have one veil of illusion removed per night. I decided to accept that invitation. Each morning I channeled my experiences of the night before. This was my first book, ”Thirty Veils of Illusion”. During this month, my grandmother was dying.
It was as if I was crossing over just like her, only I would still maintain my physical body. As my heart chakra was opening, I was consciously and clearly bridging the gap between my world and the higher worlds. The bridge was not only created with the information that I received but also with the love that I was able to feel coming to me from the fourth dimension. The experience also gave a voice to my inner self that had been so silenced in my struggle to “survive” and “fit in”.
I also traveled to Long Island to meet everyone that I had been communicating with for over a decade. Somehow, that experience disillusioned me. They were all “just people”. This was the beginning of a long lesson that I was to learn about integrating the spiritual life with the physical life. Since I was unable to love me for who I was—right now—I needed to believe that all spiritual people where somehow sainted. I hope that the readers of this journal will see that I am just a regular person. Even though I truly believe that the Kundalini did rise, it did not make me into a saint or ascended being. It just allowed me to be more of who I always was. Spiritual work does not finish, as it is infinite. However, at that time I could not realize that. I still felt such fear and struggle in my daily life that I had to believe that something wonderful would come along and take it all away.
During the opening of my heart chakra my career life took a back seat to my personal life. My family needed me and I discovered that I deeply needed them. I also knew that my body needed me too. My immune system was compromised of all my stress; I greatly needed time to heal my family and me. I decided to take a few years to work only three days a week, and boy, did I need it for the challenges ahead!
It may have sounded as if I had completely abandoned my family in all my spiritual and career ventures, but that was not true. When I was so busy, people would ask me, “How can you do all this when you have a husband and two children?” I would respond, “It is because of them that I can do all of this.” However, I had been gone too much, both psychically and mentally. We all went to therapy and I tried to do my best to heal whatever wounds I had created by my absence. One of the main things that I learned was that I had guilt about not being a good mother because I had guilt about not being a good daughter. I also realized that what I had done for myself I had actually done for the family. In allowing myself to follow my inner directions I had been a role model for my children to do the same.
PERSONAL LIFE—PHYSICAL BODY
The heart chakra rules the thymus gland, which governs our immune system. I knew that it would be a very good idea at this time to focus my attentions on taking care of my physical body. I ate healthy, meditated, practiced Yoga or Tai Chi, and wrote out my feelings in my journal daily. I believe that it was these practices that saved my health. That is along with a long hard look at my dark side—depression! There was in anchor in my heart that needed to be removed. That anchor was made of fear and it expressed itself as depression.
Interestingly, although the heart chakra is about being in relationships, my final initiation was about being alone. Isn’t that where all our relationships begin—with ourselves? My husband had an opportunity to take a job where he would be away. We would only be able to see each other on Sunday afternoons when he would be in town. For months before that, my inner voice had been whispering, “You know, you never have never lived alone.” Well, now I would get to—or have to. We needed the money, my husband needed the experience and I needed to totally focus on my children—at last. Little did I know that my real focus would be on my self and my life long battle with depression?
All my life my depression had hidden within my emotional dramas, mental challenges, and my busy, busy life. Now, I was not working very hard, the kids were in school or otherwise involved in being teenagers and for a lot of time I was alone—that is alone with my depression. I could of course find more dramas to tack my depression onto, but the reality is depression is a mind/body illness, and I had been depressed since I was a child. Since I was a child I had felt different and alone. I wanted to go “Home”, but I didn’t know where Home was. I only knew that it was not in that house, or that planet or even that dimension.
The physical world had always scared me. Too many people were mean and I lived in constant fear of not fitting in. Of course this struggle was silent. To someone looking from the outside, I probably looked like a “lucky” middle class girl, in a nice home, from a good family. However, as a teenager I had thoughts about suicide daily and felt totally alone with even the most “popular” group. I tried to solve my depression by getting married, by having children, by getting a career, by getting married again etc., etc. However, doing something is not the cure for depression.
Depression was, and still is, my dark side. It is the excuse I can give myself for being a victim. “They” are the enemy. “They” are the reason why I live in fear and unhappiness. Before I could open my heart chakra and step into my role of mentor I had to face my own dark side and make it my friend. I meditated, I cried, I screamed, I released oceans of pain. “Take this from me,” I called to my higher guidance. “I can no longer tolerate this feeling of not being good enough, of not being HOME.” But “Home” was some place far away, unreachable, unattainable. I was a victim to my choice to incarnate. The part of me that had remembered my multidimensional self had become my enemy. Now I had to find a way to forgive the world and to forgive myself for being a part of it.
I had nowhere to hide now, not in a relationship, not in school, not in work and not in my children. I had to face my own pain alone. I had to accept that my pain/fear was real even if I could not yet understand why it was so intense. And release it I did. How did I release it? I felt it; I felt all the feeling that had been hiding in my unconscious for my entire life. It was not fun. In fact it was awful, but it was also a relief to finally let the damn break, to let my happy face crack, and to allow myself to feel how I really felt. It took a lot of courage, and love for myself to do it. But my inner guidance was strong then and held my hand the through out the entire process. Gradually, as I allowed my unconscious to communicate my “bad” feelings to my conscious self, my depression subsided.
Then I began to have dreams. The house we lived in was small and the landlady was “crazy” and invasive. She stalked my “nest”, invaded my world and was a constant source of agitation in my life. I was already deeply missing my real home and the landlady (a projection my own craziness) was making my earthly home uninhabitable.
Meanwhile, the dreams were telling me of a beautiful house right near the ocean. Over and over I would have a similar dream. I had “manifested” a home before with my desire body and intension. I got the exact house I had asked for, but I had left out one important element, the landlord. In fact, since I had left the home my ex-husband and I had built, I had had many landlord problems. Guilt perhaps? Well, this landlord was the epitome of all my landlord problems, but I felt that I should stay there for my kids.
Then one day my son said, “Mom, when are we going to leave this place?” Simultaneously, the landlady raised the rent by hundreds of dollars and a realtor called me to look at a new place. The last dream I had had was that I had moved into my new home. It was blocks from a beautiful ocean cove and had a great view. In the dream, I was getting ready to go to bed and was walking to lock the door when a feeling of deep, joyous thanksgiving overcame me. I fell to my knees and said, “Thank you God for this beautiful home!”
I went to the house that the realtor had told me about. It had been vacant for 6 weeks and the owners were desperate to rent it. I knew that it was within my price range—barely. When I went there, I saw that it was 1-½ blocks from the beach. I entered the house alone as my husband was still working away and walked up a strangely familiar stairway. When I entered the living room I saw a gorgeous view. I fell to my knees and said, ”Thank you God for this beautiful home.” It was a few days later when I was standing on the beach with my friend that I remembered the dream because it was exactly the same cove as in my dream.
When we moved into our new house I installed the “no junk” law. Anything that was old or unnecessary did not make the cut into the new house. While during my final shipment of boxes to our new home I heard my inner guidance say in a voice so clear it sounded physical, “Congratulations, you have completed your karma with landlords.” I still live in that house and the landlords have always been wonderful.
The initiation of my heart chakra allowed me to clear much of the old fear and sorrow of not being in my true “Home” in the higher dimensions. It was through surrendering that fear to my higher guidance that I allowed the love of my heart to manifest a perfect “Home” in the physical world. Most important of all, I learned that HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS!