“I am going to stay and face it,”
it can’t be worse
than running away.
“I have run and run
and the shadow at my back
only gets bigger.
“Whatever I have created,
it is time to look it in the face.”
I turned with the conviction
of my final words
and planted my feet
to wait for the confrontation.
It felt good.
At last, I felt in control.
At last, I was the warrior
rather than the victim.
It came to me so slowly
and subtly that I
couldn’t see it until it was upon me.
Would I have the strength to fight it
and the courage to
make it my friend?
At last, I would find out now,
once and for all.
Emotions ~ Healing the Pain
Often the first emotions that we finally allow ourselves to realize and express are painful ones, because they are the memories that we repressed in our early life. It is not until we can balance these painful emotions with emotions of comfort and happiness that we can find peace. This peace, of course, is fleeting because there is always a new catalyst to which we can react. But if we can clear our past, we can experience each moment in a clear and present way. Then, we will not be as buffeted about by the challenges of everyday life.
TAKING THE SECOND STEP
We see the second step before us. It is the stairway to our first adult home. This home was filled with emotional memories of fun, fear, laughter, and sorrow. Can we use the wisdom we have learned from our child to heal the painful emotions and balance them with happiness and joy? “YES,” we bravely affirm. However, as we move towards the stairway, the emotions overwhelm us.
We will have to go very slowly.
Personal History, Second Step
TIME FRAME 1979-1983
It was now the summer of 1979. I was 33 years old and on my own for the first time in my life. Well, that is, I was on my own for three weeks. I was awakening to my SELF, who needed lots of love and lots of passion. Not just “having sex,” but actually “making love.” Our connection was so strong that we experienced total unity as the magic flushed up our spines, uniting us into ONE.
For me, this kind of sex had to be filled with love, deep, passionate love. For eleven years, my only real love was for my children and a few friends. Now, I had met a man with whom I was totally, uncontrollably and passionately. But he wasn’t the father of my children and too often, I had to choose between them and him, actually between them and myself. I had spent a lifetime repressing and “depressing” my emotions. Now I had my first taste of love and my appetite for more was unquenchable.
After being together for a year, we moved to the beach. It was too far away to study with Mrs. Reed, but I did continue to get my written channeling from the Long Island organization whose writings Mrs. Reed had used. I really don’t think I was very spiritual at that time. I had not yet totally forgiven God, my SELF, for saying everything would be all right.
In other words, I had not yet learned that I was the creator of my life. It wasn’t until I entered my Ph.D. program, and some very deep therapy, that I was able to gain a degree of mastery over my emotions and release my addiction to being a victim. Every day, I studied the astrology that I had leaned from Mrs. Reed, but I was still a ship without a Captain. Hence, I needed to consult astrology, tarot, and psychics as often as I could.
I could not yet believe that I knew all the answers in a higher dimensional component of myself. My consciousness was still primarily limited to the third dimension, although there were frequent pleas, and some visits, to the fourth dimension to seek help.
After the divorce, in fact immediately after the divorce, I was married to my new Love. However, with a happy marriage, and fulfilling my long held desire of moving to the beach, I had to admit that I did not enjoy the audiology practice that I had established. I definitely could not spend my whole life doing it. I could not “settle” for a job that was not my heart’s calling. My awakening SELF was moving up into my second chakra, and I could not just “work.” My emotional awakening told me that I had to do what I could love.
Also, it was time now to focus on my children. They had had to survive a depressed mother in deep denial, my going to grad school, an absentee father, a divorce, and a mom and dad who instantly hooked up with someone else after the divorce. So, did I really focus on my children and give them all my attention? No, at least not directly. I went into a Ph.D. program and, luckily for them, went into intensive psychotherapy. Boy, did I need it! Finally, I was able to hear and heal some of my long repressed pain. I could stop reacting to my life and start creating it.
Beside the fact that I had yeast infections, or was it honeymooner’s disease, for two years, my body faired pretty well. Besides, I was in grad school studying Clinical Psychology and in weekly therapy, so I could release pain from my psyche rather than manifesting it in my body.
My program was very mind-body oriented. It also helped me align the masculine energy of my analytical mind with the female energy of my inner reflection. This aided me to maintain my balance of masculine and feminine polarities as I cleared my second chakra.
Interestingly enough, shortly after I experienced a hypnotic regression uncovering how I had really felt when my father abanded me, my yeast infections stopped. My body was saying to me, “Are you sure you can trust him, any him? Maybe, he will abandon you like all the other men in your life.” But the body can’t speak English so it speaks pain.
The pain starts as a whisper, but we bravely carry on like the good troopers that we are. Then, to get our attention, the body speaks in a little louder pain, but we are brave. We can endure our suffering courageously.
Then, the body has had it and it yells, “PAIN!” Finally, we listen. However, too often we listen as the victim and cannot understand the very clear message that the body we are living in is relaying to us.
My body was saying, “You are afraid. You, meaning the you who lives inside of me, the body, are still too frightened to really trust. Furthermore, you still have mountains of repressed anger.” It would take the clearing of my third chakra before I could even begin to understand my anger. However, I did release a lot of pain and sorrow when I cleared my second chakra.
FINAL INITIATION OF THE SECOND STEP
Whereas the final initiation for my first chakra was VERY obvious, the initiation for my second chakra was subtle. Even as a child I had had many fourth dimensional experiences in the Land of Faerie, but all the denied emotions had stopped my further experiences in the higher planes.
I had reached a psychic plateau and I blamed God, or was it men that I blamed? Perhaps I was really angry at my own masculine self who got the bright idea of going out on “his” own. Anyway, my repressed anger had made me a victim, and the Spiritual Path stops when the traveler cannot take responsibility for the life he/she has created.
When I entered therapy, more and more of my unconscious mind became conscious. Then I became aware of the many “hidden agendas” that were really in control; for example, my getting the MA to “save the marriage.” If I had been conscious of the hidden agenda of leaving the marriage, I would not have fallen into such devastation when the marriage ended.
I would have looked at my divorce as a success and been happy that my education allowed me to get employment even though I would have to re-take my test. But, that was not the case. I had built my life upon illusion, and when the bubble popped, I was devastated.
As my unconscious mind and all the pain and confusion that it held became accessible to my conscious mind, I created a pathway from my deepest subconscious secrets up into my conscious mind. As I created this pathway in my third dimensional consciousness, I also created a pathway through the lowest fourth dimensional astral plane. With a clear pathway through the pain and fear of my fourth dimensional consciousness/aura, I began to have physic experiences that came from the higher sub-planes of the fourth dimension. I, also, began to receive messages from the higher dimensional expressions of my SELF.
I stopped pouring over my astrology readings and consulting psychics at every turn and began to go inside to listen to my inner guidance. I connected with both the masculine and feminine aspects of my inner guidance and developed an intimate relationship with them. That is when I began to trust my self. Hence, I began to trust others, as well. Gradually, and almost unknowingly, I had stepped upon the second step to SELF.
THE SECOND PILLAR OF LIGHT
Tentatively, we step onto the second step to SELF. Craning our necks, we peer into the crystal atop the second pillar. But, we see nothing, for within this crystal is the Void. Hence, we see nothing, as well as everything. For nestled deep within this void, is the seed of creativity. In fact, it is our center of creativity and the possibility of creating everything OR nothing.
We stare deeply into the nothingness, but, suddenly, we pull back in fear and astonishment. Could we be empty, yet full, of creative potential? Could we have a void inside of us? The idea frightens, but also entices, us.
If we were to stare too deeply into this void, would we become lost—lost in the void and lost in our self. We lean forward to look again into the crystal. Too late, we feel a connection, and before we know it, the void pulls us in. Or do we leap? Once in the void we can no longer decipher how we entered.
In the void, all opposite polarities become one, and all that was once the same, polarizes into opposition. Concepts of our mind and experiences of our emotions blur into a nothingness that is simultaneously peaceful and frightening. Our thoughts cannot exist in the void for there is nothing to understand or to analyze. Furthermore, our emotions become so confused that they cancel each other out.
What can we hold on to? What can we understand, feel, know, or question? All experience of familiarity disappears in an onslaught of ultimate stimulation and complete negation of sensation. Light falls into darkness in the exact moment that it is created. Loneliness and unity dance in and out of reality. We have lost our sense of self, that is, the self that once existed before we entered the void.
Life and death, birth and decay, whirl together in harmony to the sweet music of potential. Currents of light and sound flicker in and out of existence and encompass us with such force that we feel engulfed, enlivened, suffocated and rejuvenated.
And then—it is over.
It is almost as if the void has spun us out, out into a world that is now foreign to us. Immediately upon leaving the void, most that we have experienced is forgotten. However, we emerge from within the void with a virginal perception of reality.
The clouds clear to reveal the Sun in its fullest glory. Blossoms bloom upon the trees, flowers begin to open and birds chirp a welcome to the day, as the morning dew releases the scent of eternity.
To survive the void is to die—die in order to be reborn—and then to be reborn in order to die again and again. Die to each day, to each moment, to each memory and to each sorrow. Life and death are one. Nothing and everything is one. Forever and never are continuous. The clock ceases to tick. Space was never traveled, yesterday never happened and tomorrow will not come.
In every second, we are reborn. As eternity collapses into the NOW, we are new. Separation becomes Unity. Aloneness becomes unity with all and reunion with SELF. The flower ceases to exist, but its essence remains.
If only we could remember that which has never happened – except within the void.
Hear A Soul’s Remorse, performed by Jacqui Callis
A SOUL’S REMORSE
A life so small, so incomplete
A time so short and not so sweet
The harshness of an unfair land
To be alone with no one’s hand
Why must it be that one should suffer?
Where is the help? What is the buffer?
Pull the spark back to the flame
Its no one’s fault – no one’s to blame
The cycle turns – the dead awaken
The living feel they are forsaken.
Where is the balance? What is the rule?
Is it best to know or to act the fool?
Show me now the pathway Home
For a speck of truth, the world I comb
The morning rises – a new beginning
Am I losing now – or am I winning?
And does it matter how it all turns out?
If we end in a whisper or end in a shout
How was the journey? What did we learn?
What did we covet? What did we earn?
We touch the stars and feel the earth
We release our death and know our birth
The choices were all made before
When we finish them, we ask for more
The flower drops down to the ground
the fruit of life soon to be found