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NEWSLETTER

The Unconscious

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Spiritual Guidance Door

LILLY

(When we believe that we must ignore the part of us that we like the best, we will NOT feel "good enough".)

Lilly grew up in a small farm town. She was an "accident" and her mother went away to "have her" and put her up for adoption. When Lilly was born, her mother returned home and left Lilly in an orphanage. No one adopted her. Then her grandmother brought her home. Lilly's mother married a man (not the father) so that he could take care of her and her baby. Unfortunately, Lilly had already spent her first few vital months alone and unloved.

Lilly's mother was not happy and broke many small town rules of behavior. The town watched Lilly VERY carefully to see if she would turn out like her mother. Lilly was the oldest of many siblings. Her father was loving, and kind to all of them, but was not able to provide much money for the large family. Lilly took on much of the responsibility of her younger siblings while she determined to prove to the town that she was "good enough".

Lilly's Core Belief:
"I am not good enough."

Lilly Speaks:
"I must sacrifice myself so that others can get what they need. I used to believe that I was unworthy, but now I believe that I am worthy, but I am just not good enough to get what I need. I grew up in a large Southern Baptist family in 'Podunck', Farmland USA. It was a 'sin' there for me to believe that I had LIGHT.

"When I was a child, I had many experiences of a great white light that came to me. When I described these experiences to other people, they ridiculed me. Gradually, I became afraid when the white light came thundering to me because it made me feel too different. Therefore, when the white light came, I began to hold my ears and close my eyes so that I couldn't hear the loud noise or see the bright light.

"I thought that if the noise stopped and I couldn't see the white light anymore I would be accepted by everyone. But another side of me was angry for stopping the white light, and I lashed out at others and at myself. The conflict between these two parts of myself (the part that stopped the light and the part that was angry because I stopped the light) gave birth to a third me: the 'I'm not good enough me'. Then the angry me got really angry and said, 'I don't want to be not good enough.'

"The first me just wanted everyone inside my head to calm down and deal with it!! 'You can't have everything,' the voice said. 'If you invite the white light into your life you will be different and no one will want you.'

"However, when I kept the white light out, then I became VERY angry and no one wanted me that way either. Therefore, I had to keep the white light out and not even allow myself to feel how angry that made me. I learned that if I pleased myself, I displeased others. Then, of course, I believed that if I were 'good enough' I wouldn't have that conflict in the first place."

Lilly's Life Issue:
" I can't get what I want."

Lilly so wanted acceptance and love from the people in her life that she was willing to sacrifice the most important part of herself to get it. However, once she had sacrificed the most important part of herself, she did not have enough power to get what she wanted.

Lilly Speaks to her child:

Lilly:
"How do you feel about the white light? Not how others feel-how you feel?"

The Child Responds:
"The white light takes me traveling. There are beings of love and beauty aboard and I am comfortable and accepted there. I feel intelligent and creative in the white light. I feel strong, beautiful, and powerful, too. In the white light I feel like I have a purpose for existence. My purpose is joy and fellowship with all of life. It is such a feeling of freedom and security."

Lilly:
"Did you surrender your life purpose when you closed off to the light?"

The Child Responds:
"Slowly, but yes. When I got older, I would lie between the rows of corn planted on our farm and gaze up at the clouds. Then I could have the same feeling as in the white light. The birds and other creatures of nature also gave me joy. But, I stopped spending as much time with nature after I became an adult. I got married and felt that I had to sacrifice myself to make my husband happy."

Lilly:
"Dear child, are you aware of the fact that the white light chooses very special people who carry great love in their heart? These people are good people who are prone to living a balanced life. Don't you think, then, that being chosen by the white light is not only an honor but also a sign of utmost respect?"

The Child Does Not Respond:

Lilly:
"I know you gave up the white light because you thought you had to do so in order to be 'good enough' for the others who would judge you. You thought that you were protecting yourself from more abandonment and criticism. But maybe it was the white light that comforted you when you were all alone in the orphanage. Maybe you remembered the white light longer than the others around you did, because it was your only comfort when you were an infant.

The Child Does Not Respond:
She looks at the floor and plays with her dress.

Lilly:
Lilly pulls the child close to her and gently directs her face so that she may look into the eyes of her child.
"Honey, does the white light think that you are good enough?"

The Child Responds:
"In the white light, I don't care what others think."

The Adult Takes Responsibility:

The Adult Speaks:
"I CREATED my life issue of not getting what I wanted, because I did not believe that I was good enough to get what I wanted and make others happy, as well. I learned that from my mother. She had to sacrifice what she wanted to make my grandmother and me happy. Also, because of my early abandonment, I was afraid to have what I wanted for fear that I might lose it. I would get involved with a man and then I hold myself back because I believed that I was not 'good enough'. I believed that I had to sacrifice myself so that others could get what "they" needed.

"I PRECIPITATED my life issue because I wanted a man to take care of me financially. I think I wanted that so much because my father did not take care of my mother financially. But then I would feel guilty about wanting that because I loved my father so much. Therefore, I could have a man I loved - OR - I could have a man who provided money. Again, I would have to sacrifice something to get what I wanted. I didn't deserve to get both because I wasn't good enough."

"I PERPETUATED the problem by repeatedly picking a man who would make me feel bad about myself. Then I would hold myself back in my career to 'make him happy'. Therefore, I could not have enough success or money in my career because I was holding back. Then I would become disillusioned with my life. Since I sacrificed my white light so that "they" would not judge me, I felt like a failure. Then I would pick a man who agreed with my opinion of myself."

"I ALLOWED this process to continue because I had lost my power when I gave up the white light. Then I was powerless to change my situation, so I just allowed it."

The Child Responds:
"Are you saying that I am good enough to I have love, and a career, and still have a spiritual creative life for myself?"

The Adult Speaks:
"Yes. You can enjoy a mature relationship, but you will have to love who you are and what you do as well. Pull in the protection of the white light. Then you will not need the protection of believing that you are 'not good enough'. That belief never protected you any way. The white light will help you to remember your power. Then you can have love, money, a career, and a spiritual life. In fact, it is your spiritual life that will change your core belief. Would you like to choose another core belief?"

The Child Responds:
"Yes! I choose the belief that: I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO DESERVE THE WHITE LIGHT-AND ALL THAT IT BRINGS TO ME."

(Lilly is now in love with someone from the hometown that she ran away from. In loving him, she is learning to love the part of herself that she believed was "not good enough".)

CONTINUE TO AWAKENING BEAUTY