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NEWSLETTER

The Unconscious

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ANNIE

(Annie has very different reasons for having the same core belief.)

Annie is a middle child. Her older sister was a "star" and her younger brother was charismatic, at least as a child. Her home life and childhood were happy for her. She had no apparent reason to feel that she was unworthy which only increased her guilt.

Annie went to college to enter the profession of her parents. She then married her high school boyfriend and had two children. It was not until her divorce that she began to deal with the fact that she believed that she was "not worthy".

Annie Speaks:
"I'm not a special person. I'm not bad, but there's truly nothing special, unique or attractive about me. I don't draw people to me and when I am in a large group at a party or social event, I'm uncomfortable. I am horribly embarrassed to be alone, but I fear going up and meeting anyone.

"Unless I have a context: I'm someone's sister, I'm a professional educator, or I'm a mother, I don't feel comfortable. My weight is a big issue for me. I feel I am not physically attractive and I can't imagine another person wanting to spend time with me. My experience has always been that my most positive relationships have been based on my meeting other's needs. I don't always know how to meet my own needs and when I do, or when I ask others to, I feel tremendous guilt. I am certain that I don't deserve to ask for what I want or to even get it for myself.

"I can't have a positive relationship with myself or with others in my personal life. However, I have a good relationship with those that I work with, my children, and my sister. But then I have a context. I don't have to be me. I can be the person that I am to them. Who is the person that I am to myself? I fear that I abandoned myself in order to make others love me!"

Annie's Core Belief:
"I am not worthy."

The Child Speaks:
The child does not want to talk.

The Adult Annie takes responsibility:

Annie's Life Issue:
"I can't have a happy relationship."

Q) Do you know how you created your life issue?

Annie:
"I have such negative self-talk that I can't have a relationship with myself. I don't trust and respect my feelings enough to believe that my thoughts are as worthy as others. I also have negative thoughts about others as well.

"Because of my negativity, I never choose to have a relationship but feel like I must wait for someone to choose me. I therefore give away my control of who I am with. If I can't even choose who the relationship is with, how could I ever get my needs met and actually be happy?"

Q) How do you precipitate your life issue?

Annie:
"I am the passive one in the initiation of a relationship. I indulge in too many passive activities such as TV watching, or reading and I don't pursue a relationship with myself. Therefore, I live vicariously through books, movies, my kids, or my sister."

Q)How do you perpetuate your life issue?

Annie:
"I am afraid of rejection so I stay away from people. Then I am always alone. When I am always alone, I feel like it is because I can't have a happy relationship."

Q)How do you allow your life issues?

Annie:
"I don't engage my warrior to battle my fears and to stand up for myself. Since I don't fight for myself, no one knows who I am or what I need. Therefore, no one can make me feel like I am in a happy relationship."

Q)How did your core beliefs protect you as a child?

Annie:
"I was wedged between Wonder Girl and Super Son. If I did not feel worthy than I did not have to enter into competition with them. Therefore, I could not lose. If you don't play the game, then you don't lose. My experience was that when my true self came out, and I opened up too much and become too active, or assertive, then people didn't like me.

"Therefore, I believed no one should see all of me. I had to control part of me because if I were free, loose, and open people wouldn't like me. Deep down, I believed that I was worthless and I feared letting others know. So, I withheld myself and become passive until people in my life told me what THEY wanted. Then I wouldn't feel unworthy."

Q)What is another way in which you can protect yourself?

Annie:
"I can let my child have her true emotions with a person who is loving and safe, such as myself. I can allow the child to have her dreams and desires and I can keep a sacred trust with her. I will not divulge her secrets to anyone until I know that they will be supportive. "

Q)Annie, would you like to talk to your child?

Annie:
"Yes, but I know that will have to assertively pursue my child. Actually, when I first go inside myself, I see two children. One is about three years old. She seems happy and open. The other child is older, maybe 6 years old, and is in a soft flowing dress. She has a softer appearance and is often hiding her face in the shadows or in the lines of her hair as it falls across her face when she looks down. They both stare straight ahead, watching me from the corner of their eyes, but the younger one occasionally meets my gaze directly. The older one shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. Neither one of them trusts me. But, they don't want me to leave either.

"The 3 year old seems to represent the few times that I have been spontaneous and open. She seems to come out when I am angry or slightly drunk. Most of the time, however, I am more like the older child, timid and vulnerable. I show to the world and, usually choose to be, the older child because it is safer. The younger child comes out like bursts of fire. But when the smoke clears, I am usually more comfortable with the older child's approach.

"I will talk to the 6 year old, as she is the one who needs me most. 'Hi. I am you all grown up.'"

The Child does not respond.

Annie:
"I know you are scared of me and I can tell that you wish that I would go away, but I want to be with you. Can I stay and talk to you?"

The Child does not respond.

Annie:
"Well, it's a good sign that you didn't move away. I want to get to know you better. I want to talk to you about your fears. I want to touch you and protect you. Can I stay with you?"

The Child does not respond.

Annie:
"It is okay if you don't want to talk. I'll talk if you like. But, I want you to know how special you are to me. I know that you're afraid to talk to me, but I hope that you will trust me soon. Nothing you say to me will be bad. My joy is in knowing everything about you, even the things that make you scared or angry or feel pain. Because I can feel that you have so much to say -- so much to give -- I will wait until you are ready."

The Child does not respond.

Annie:
"I won't go away. I won't leave you. I won't become silent or make you feel bad because of what you say or do. The more you give to me, the more I will love you. My love will grow with the weight of your gifts to me. All your ideas, thoughts, feelings, and actions are like breaths of clean air. I will breathe them in and fill myself with the love you give me. Everything you give me is love. Can you do that? It doesn't have to be all at once. It can come slowly or quickly. Give what you can, because I will always be here and I will always receive everything you have to give with love, appreciation and gratitude. I love you."

The Child Responds:
"I want to do what you say. I want to trust you. But, I don't know if I can. You say that you will love me, but I can feel when you don't. You might not say anything bad, but I'll feel it. I'll see it written on your face. You'll hate me or become bored or disappointed. I don't ever want to see you hate me."

Annie:
"I understand. You are what you have experienced and you have experienced the disappointment of hate from others. I know that you have a right to be distrustful of me, but I am not like the others. I am not carrying what they are carrying. I am you! I am what you can be when you are free to open yourself up to your own truth. You see you have only realized such a small part of yourself.

"I can see so much more of your light. But, it's hidden and you have had to protect it from the world. That is why I'm here. I want to be here for you. I want to see all of your light (the black and the white light) and embrace it for the goodness that it is. Because it is you, it is valuable. I can help you by being your partner. Please share yourself with me.

"In exchange for the protection that you get for believing that you are 'unworthy', I can offer my friendship so that you and I can have a relationship. Would you be willing to make that exchange?"

The Child Responds:
"I don't know. How can I trust you? Why should I trust you? How can I go against all of my training, all of my beliefs?"

Annie:
"What do you need from me so that you can trust me?"

The Child Responds:
"I need time and proof. I need a change of experience and I need your patience. If I give you a little, I need to wait and see what happens. Then maybe, I'll give a little more. I don't know. I don't just want to close my eyes and fall backwards without a net. Maybe you won't catch me. So, it is going to have to be slow."

Annie:
"I will give you all that you ask for.

"As I say this sentence, I see images of her testing me. She falls backwards and looks to see if I am there. She keeps falling or jumping off of a cliff to see if I will catch her. I keep catching her and she keeps jumping. She is not convinced.

"Dear child inside of me, I want you to know that I acknowledge how brave you are to take such risks and how careful you are in making a commitment. I will use those portions of yourself in my adult life."

The child responds with a shy look, but holds back.

Annie:
"It is a good first step. The child is glad I'm here and that we are sharing what she has gone through-what I have gone through as well. She feels better now that I have acknowledged her strength and ability to take risks. I wonder if she wants more from me."

The Child Responds:
"Yes. I want what you promised. I want attention, acceptance, support, and unconditional love. I want you to acknowledge that I am valuable to you. I want ALL of that."

Annie:
"Yes, you shall have it all. And best of all, you shall have a new core belief. That belief is-NO MATTER WHAT, I AM ALWAYS VALUABLE - TO MYSELF AND TO OTHERS."

(Annie is now happily married. She and her husband have an intimate, communicative relationship. Between them they have five children.)

CONTINUE TO LILLY